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UK falls down world education league tables; great result for Simon Cowell
Shanghai may have clever kids, but do they have Jedward? The UK has fallen outside of the top 20 in a world league table of educational standards, a result seen as “positive” by X-Factor creator, Simon...
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Simon Cowell rejects devolved ‘moron votes for moron-only issues’ system
Pop mogul Simon Cowell has rejected calls to change the voting system for the X-Factor. Under the changes, that will see voting devolved based on intellectual groups, only morons will be able to vote...
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Simon Cowell to overhaul X Factor format after unattractive older woman wins
It’s not about singing Simon Cowell has announced that he will drastically overhaul the format of the X Factor for 2014 to ensure that a talented, but unattractive older woman does not accidentally win...
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Damascus Idol: UK to choose Syrian refugees via new Simon Cowell show
A man who’s had so much surgery and botox he’s turning into his own haunted waxwork dummy. Theresa May announced yesterday that Britain is to take up to five hundred Syrian refugees but insisted that...
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Britain in post-Cowell era, says former archbishop as X-Factor musical closes
No good ever comes from titles that end in exclamation marks. Apart from Westward Ho! We love it there. The former archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, has told the Evening Harold that Britain is...
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Desperate X-Factor lowers age limit to 3
If you want to succeed in showbiz, kid, you’ll need a whole new image. That Daily Mail sidebar of shame doesn’t fill itself. Simon Cowell has defended lowering the X-Factor’s age limit to toddlers,...
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Animators strike puts X-Factor in doubt: now who will operate Cheryl’s face?
Pre-animation: Simon, Cheryl, Mel and Louis This weekend’s X-Factor hangs in the balance due to a lack of animators to bring life to Simon Cowell’s and Cheryl’s botox numbed faces. Normally carried out...
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ITV to drop all its shows following successful petition
Will we cope without them? Yes. ITV has confirmed that it will stop broadcasting after tens of thousands of people signed an online petition calling for it to do so on the grounds that its output is...
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X Factor is fixed: winner’s name revealed ahead of live final
It’s been hyped as the biggest TV event of the year however the name of the winner of the X Factor is already known ahead of the final and it isn’t that person’s first victory. Simon Cowell wins it...
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UK despairs: X Factor will last “until 2017 and beyond”
“It will only seem like an eternity” Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over. An ITV spokesman dismissed this...
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